The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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