Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
