By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
