Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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