its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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