That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
