I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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