i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
