Fine. I'll sleep in my office
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize