I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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