Apparently you make a good broom.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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