I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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