the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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