u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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