tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
