I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
