Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
