Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I would ride that face into the sunset
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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