While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
