I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
