I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
