i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
