I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My balls are so social today.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
