I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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