Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
