he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He passed out mid-signature
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Houston, we have a squirter
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
