i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
that may or may not have been my penis.
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