I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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