I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
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