Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
