I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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