I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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