I can text with my tongue
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
high people should be assigned attendants
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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