I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
