I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize