just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize