hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
