Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
