There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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