omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
