if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
