tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
