if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
