I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
And then he peed in my hair
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