Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
