I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
