did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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