i love accidental penises.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
