before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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