bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
