Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
