What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
