Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
