Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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