shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
